Let’s start with a fun secret: I’ve sat across from people who can negotiate million-dollar contracts, run PTA meetings like a military operation, and tell their mother-in-law exactly where to go, but who cannot say “a little to the left” during sex.
Sound familiar? Good. You’re normal. And honestly, before I became a sex therapist, I sometimes struggled to speak my sexual truth as well. And you’re in excellent company, because this struggle doesn’t have an age limit. I see it in 30-year-olds who’ve had 30 hookups and in 70-year-olds who’ve been married for fifty years. Same problem, different decade.
Why Is This So Hard?
Because somewhere along the way, most of us learned that talking about sex or what we want sexually is dangerous.
Think back. Maybe you got caught exploring your body as a kid and someone reacted with horror. Perhaps sex was a whispered, forbidden topic, or never mentioned at all. You might have grown up in a church, a culture, or a family where “good girls” didn’t want things and “real men” were supposed to magically know everything already.(Reality: nobody is born knowing your body. Not even the guy who swears he does.)
Those early messages don’t evaporate when you turn 18, 40, or even 65. They settle into your nervous system as shame, that sneaky little voice whispering you’re too much, too needy, too weird, too old, too whatever. And for people with a history of trauma, speaking up during intimacy can feel genuinely unsafe, not just awkward. That deserves real compassion and, often, real support.
Here’s the plot twist: research backs up what I see in my office every day. Couples who talk openly about sex tend to report better sexual function and satisfaction. Mallory, Stanton & Handy, Journal of Sex Research, 2019, Talking about it isn’t a mood killer. It’s the main event’s warm-up act.
Okay, But How Do I Actually Do It?
Deep breath. Here’s your no-bullshit starter kit.
- Start outside the bedroom. Asking for what you want mid-act is expert level, so save it for later. Try a walk, a drive, or a glass of wine on the couch. Lower stakes, less pressure, fewer body parts involved.
- Use the compliment sandwich. “I love how close we get when you kiss my neck. I’d love to try [thing]. That would make me feel so connected to you.” Praise – ask – praise. It works on partners and it works on people you’ve known for three weeks.
- Make it a “yes, and…” instead of a “you’re doing it wrong.” Letting them know you want more of something … “stay there, don’t stop, etc.” lands better than “stop doing that.” Nobody’s ego has ever been wounded by being told they’re doing something right.
- Try the yes/no/maybe list. Grab a list online (the Kinsey Institute has great resources: [LINK: kinseyinstitute.org]). You and your partner each mark what you’re into, what’s a hard no, and what’s a “maybe, let’s talk.” It’s like a menu, and a great way to lean into the topic, and nobody has to say the scary words out loud first.
- Practice on your own. Say it in the mirror. Write it in a journal. Sound silly? Sure. But your mouth needs reps just like any other muscle. (Mine is very well trained, thank you 😉
- Expect the awkward, and laugh at it. Your first attempt may come out as a mumbled disaster. Cool. Laughing together is intimacy too. Awkward is the toll you pay on the road to good.
- Get backup if it’s deeper than awkward. If shame or trauma makes this feel impossible, that’s not a character flaw, it’s information. A certified sex therapist can help you untangle it at your own pace. You can find one through AASECT: [LINK: aasect.org]. And if you want more on shame specifically, check out my post Why “Good Girls” Struggle to Enjoy Sex (And How to Break Free).
A Note for My 60+ Crowd
You are not too old for this. Bodies change, and so do needs, which makes communication more important, not less. Everything you’ve learned about yourself in six decades is an asset. Use it. Want more? See my blog: Sexual Satisfaction at Any Age.
The Bottom Line
Your desires are not too much. They’re not weird, and they’re not a burden. They’re information your partner (or future partner) can’t access unless you share it. Nobody can read minds, and if they could, they’d probably be too distracted by the grocery list in your head. CUMmunication is foundational to feeling sexually empowered, read more here: What It Really Means to Be Sexually Empowered.
So this week, take one small step for wo/mankind. Say one sentence. Ask for one thing.
Then come tell me how it went. I want all the details. (Okay, maybe not all of them. Maybe.)
Until next time, stay curious, stay kind, and keep talking.
Now, go have sex!