Something weird is happening in my inbox.
And considering I’ve been talking professionally about sex for 20 years, my threshold for “weird” is pretty damn high.
I’m a Certified Sex Therapist. People contact me about erections, orgasms, porn, fantasies, painful sex, mismatched libidos, infidelity, fetishes, and all sorts of things they wouldn’t necessarily bring up over Thanksgiving dinner.
Nothing about that bothers me.
But lately, I’m getting a different kind of inquiry.
A man contacts me supposedly interested in therapy. At first, his question sounds legitimate. Then the conversation takes a turn.
More sexual details, provocative questions – information I didn’t ask for.
And occasionally, the grand finale:
An unsolicited dick pic.
Ummm…sir?
I’m a sex therapist. Not a participant in your sex life.
Here’s what’s particularly strange: I’ve been a sex therapist for more than 15 years, and this wasn’t happening before.
Have I received an unsolicited dick pic in my lifetime? Of course. I did online dating. I’ve served my country 😏.
But professionally?
Nope.
Until recently.
I’ve talked with other female sex therapists who are noticing similar sexually inappropriate inquiries from men who appear to be using the pretense of seeking therapy as an opportunity to sexually act out.
Which leaves me confused, frustrated, and-because I’m a therapist-really freaking curious:
What the hell is going on?
Apparently, There’s Research on Dick Pics
Because scientists are doing God’s work, researchers have actually studied why men send unsolicited genital photos.
In a study of more than 1,000 men, one of the most commonly reported motivations was: I’ll show you mine and hopefully you’ll show me yours. Men who had sent unsolicited genital images also showed higher levels of narcissism and endorsed more sexist attitudes than men who hadn’t.
Another large study examining people’s experiences receiving genital images found that among participants who had ever received a dick pic, 91% had received one without asking for it. Women overwhelmingly reported negative reactions to receiving them.
So apparently there’s a rather impressive disconnect between:
“She’ll probably be turned on by this.”
and
“Why the fuck is there a penis on my phone?”
But Why Does It Feel Like It’s Getting Worse?
Here’s where my therapist brain gets curious.
I couldn’t find research demonstrating a recent surge specifically in men sexually acting out toward female therapists-or sex therapists in particular.
So I don’t want to claim science has proven something it hasn’t.
But we do know something fascinating about human behavior online.
Psychologist John Suler described the “online disinhibition effect” more than 20 years ago. Anonymity, invisibility, physical distance, and the nature of online communication can lead people to behave in ways they might inhibit in face-to-face interactions.
Translation:
It’s considerably easier to send a stranger your penis from your couch than to walk into her office, unzip your pants, and announce:
“I thought you might want to see this.”
Technology has removed a lot of friction between impulse and action.
Add anonymity, instant access to professionals online, social media, texting, pornography, and a cultural environment where increasingly explicit sexual content is only a click away-and I have to wonder whether some people’s understanding of sexual access and boundaries is shifting.
That’s my hypothesis, not a research finding.
Is Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior Increasing Too?
Maybe.
But here’s where we need to be careful.
The term “sex addiction” is widely used, but the formal diagnosis recognized by the World Health Organization is Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD). It refers to a persistent difficulty controlling intense, repetitive sexual impulses or behaviors that results in significant impairment or distress.
In the Sex Therapy world, we refer to the behavior rather than diagnose it as a disorder. We refer to it as out of control sexual behavior (OCSB)
Whatever you call it, it’s very different from simply having a high sex drive.
And-important point-sending an unsolicited dick pic doesn’t automatically mean someone has OCSB. Sometimes inappropriate behavior is just inappropriate behavior.
Still, the prevalence numbers are interesting.
A massive international study involving more than 82,000 people across 42 countries found approximately 4.8% were at high risk for CSBD. Perhaps even more striking: only about 14% of those at high risk had ever sought treatment.
That tells us problematic sexual behavior isn’t exactly rare.
What it doesn’t tell us is whether it’s suddenly increasing.
And that’s the question I’m left with.
Are people becoming more sexually disinhibited?
Has technology simply made acting out easier?
Are people increasingly confusing sexual openness with sexual availability? Duh, they have since … well, since forever!
Does having SEX THERAPIST attached to a woman’s name somehow make certain men believe normal sexual boundaries no longer apply?
Or are those of us who publicly talk about sexuality simply becoming easier to find-and therefore easier to target?
I don’t know.
But I want researchers to start asking.
Being a sex-positive therapist means I will happily talk with you about your fantasies, erections, porn use, shame, desires, compulsive sexual behavior-or the thing you’re terrified to tell anyone else.
Sex-positive does NOT mean boundary-free.
There is a very big difference between talking about your sexual behavior in therapy and involving your therapist in your sexual behavior without her consent.
So please:
Tell me about your penis.
Describe what your penis is doing.
Explain what you wish your penis were doing.
We can talk about how you feel about your penis.
We can work with all of that.
I just don’t need photographic evidence.
Now, go have sex… consensually.