Five ways to put yourself, your relationship, and your sex life back on the damn calendar.
The backpacks are packed, lunches are made and kids are back in school.
And somewhere, a parent is sitting in their quiet house, sipping coffee, thinking, Holy shit. I can hear myself think again.
Congratulations! You survived summer.
But now I have a question for you.
Remember all those things you said you’d do when the kids went back to school?
You know, the promises about finally prioritizing yourself, reconnecting with your partner, having more sex, or addressing that relationship issue you’ve been avoiding since approximately 2019?
Well, guess what? School’s back in session, baby.
And I’m calling you out.
Are the Kids Really the Problem?
As a sex and relationship therapist, I hear it all the time:
“We’re too busy with the kids.”
“We’re exhausted by the end of the day.”
“We’ll work on our relationship when things settle down.”
And I get it. Parenting is exhausting. Between homework, sports, appointments, emotional meltdowns, and figuring out what the hell everyone wants for dinner, your relationship can easily fall to the bottom of the priority list.
I’ve written about this before in Parenting Can Be Sooo Unsexy!.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth: Sometimes, even when we finally have a little breathing room, we find another reason to put ourselves and our relationships last.
The kids are at school, but now there’s laundry, work, errands, and that mysterious pile of shit on the kitchen counter that never disappears.
At some point, “I don’t have time” becomes “I’m not making time.”
Ouch. I know.
And sometimes the issue isn’t time at all. Maybe you’re avoiding intimacy because you’re resentful, disconnected, overwhelmed, or unsure how to get your sexual mojo back.
Whatever the reason, it’s worth getting curious.
So, before another school year flies by and you’re still having the same conversations (or not having them), here are five ways to get started.
1. Put Yourself Back on the Priority List
Remember yourself? The person who existed before you became everyone’s chauffeur, personal chef, and emotional support human?
That person still matters.
Self-care doesn’t have to mean an expensive spa day. It might mean taking a walk, exercising, reading something deliciously inappropriate, masturbating, or simply enjoying 20 uninterrupted minutes without someone yelling, “MOOOOOM!” or “DAAAAD!”
Start by scheduling two nonnegotiable pockets of time each week just for you.
And if guilt shows up? Remind yourself that taking care of yourself isn’t taking something away from your family.
It’s giving yourself something back.
For more inspiration, check out my blog on sexual empowerment.
2. Stop Waiting for Desire to Magically Appear
If you’re waiting until you spontaneously feel horny after a long day of parenting, work, and household responsibilities, you might be waiting a while.
For many people, desire is responsive. It emerges after pleasurable experiences begin, rather than appearing out of nowhere.
That doesn’t mean forcing yourself to have sex you don’t want.
It means creating opportunities for desire to develop.
Try flirting. Kiss for longer than three seconds. Take a shower together. Explore touch without making intercourse the goal.
And ask yourself: Is the sex you’re having actually worth wanting?
If your libido has gone into hiding, read If Your Libido Feels Off, Read This.
Your sex drive might need attention, not another item on your to-do list.
3. Have the Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding
You know that issue you keep sweeping under the rug?
The resentment about household responsibilities? The lack of affection? The argument about sex that keeps going absolutely nowhere?
Yeah. That one.
Avoidance might keep the peace temporarily, but it rarely creates genuine connection.
Schedule 20 minutes to discuss ONE issue without distractions.
Start with, “I’ve been feeling disconnected, and I’d really like us to work on that.”
Then listen. Not to defend yourself, but to understand.
If the conversation gets heated, take a break and agree on when to return.
And if you’re already in couples therapy but feeling stuck, read What to Do When Couples Therapy Isn’t Working.
4. Date Your Partner Again (Yes, That Person)
When was the last time you spent time together without discussing the kids, bills, or whose turn it is to clean the bathroom?
Your partner is more than your co-parent and household operations manager.
Remember when you used to flirt? Laugh? Make out in the car?
Let’s bring a little of that shit back.
Plan a daytime date while the kids are in school, if your schedules allow. Grab lunch, take a walk, or sneak home together.
No childcare expenses, bedtime negotiations nor excuses.
And if your bedroom currently looks like a storage facility for laundry and abandoned Amazon boxes, check out Is Your Bedroom Ruining Your Sex Life?.
Your erotic life deserves better than a pile of unmatched socks.
5. Start Small, but Actually START
You don’t need to overhaul your entire relationship by Friday.
Choose one action this week.
Schedule a date. Initiate a conversation. Make a therapy appointment. Explore your own pleasure.
Maybe download the Gottman Card Decks app for conversation prompts that go beyond “Did you remember to buy milk?”
Or simply ask your partner, “What’s one thing we could do this week to feel more connected?”
The goal isn’t to become some perfectly balanced, perpetually horny couple.
It’s to stop putting your relationship and yourself on indefinite hold.
Your Homework Starts Now
The kids have their assignments. Here’s yours:
What is ONE thing you’ve been putting off that would improve your relationship, your sex life, or your relationship with yourself?
Pick it. Schedule it. Do it.
Because before you know it, Halloween will be here, followed by Thanksgiving, winter break, and another round of “We’ll focus on us when things settle down.”
Spoiler alert: Life rarely settles down on its own.
And if you’re struggling to figure out where to begin, seeing a sex therapist in your area can help you identify what’s getting in the way and create a plan that actually works for you.
The kids are back in school. Maybe it’s time to give your relationship a little education, too.
Now, ignore that laundry pile, and go have sex!