Because waiting for sex to “just happen” is a pretty shitty plan.
I hear this all the time in my sex therapy office:
“We don’t want to schedule sex. It feels so… unromantic.”
Really?
You schedule dinner reservations. Vacations. Hair appointments. Pickleball. Meetings. Date nights. Your kid’s orthodontist appointment six months from now.
But SEX?
Apparently, sex is supposed to spontaneously erupt at exactly the right moment, when you’re both horny, rested, showered, emotionally connected, not bloated, not pissed off, and nobody has to get up early.
How’s that working out for you?
The Spontaneous-Sex Fairy Is Not Coming
We have this romanticized idea that good sex happens spontaneously.
You lock eyes across the kitchen. Suddenly you’re overcome with lust. Clothes fly off. Nobody remembers there’s wet laundry sitting in the washing machine.
Sure. Sometimes.
But in long-term relationships, you’ve also got careers, kids, aging parents, hormones, medications, stress, dishes, dogs and a nervous system that’s thinking more about tomorrow’s presentation than oral sex.
And hold on a minute… when you were dating, don’t you think you were scheduling sex? You didn’t schedule it with words. But you certainly told each other with nonverbals and you prepped for it mentally and physically. So I don’t think the spontaneous desire that people are often referring to even qualifies as spontaneous. Because you were doing a lot of mental foreplay on the days leading up to that date!
Research actually supports challenging our obsession with spontaneity. One study found that people believed spontaneous sex would be more satisfying, but spontaneous sex wasn’t actually associated with greater sexual satisfaction in daily life. PubMed
And a newer study involving parents of young children found something even more interesting: when researchers encouraged participants to rethink their negative beliefs about planned sex and actually plan for it, they reported more frequent sex and greater sexual desire two weeks later. PubMed
So maybe scheduling sex isn’t the problem.
Maybe our unsexy attitude about scheduling sex is.
Scheduling Sex Doesn’t Mean You Owe Anyone Sex
This is important.
Putting intimacy on the calendar does not mean:
Tuesday, 8:00 PM: MUST HAVE INTERCOURSE.
Nobody owes anybody an orgasm because Google Calendar sent a notification.
Think of it as scheduling a pleasure session.
You’re agreeing to protect some time from work, kids, phones, Netflix and whatever the hell else consumes your attention.
When that time comes, you might make out. Give each other massages. Shower together. Get naked. Use a toy. Have intercourse. Or decide, You know what? Tonight isn’t happening.
Consent still applies. Always.
You’re scheduling the opportunity, not guaranteeing the outcome.
But Shouldn’t I WANT Sex First?
Here’s another myth that’s screwing with people’s sex lives.
Many people experience responsive desire. That means desire doesn’t necessarily show up first.
You may start from:
“Sex? Meh.”
Then you start kissing.
“Okay, this feels nice.”
Then touching.
“Ohhhh… hello.”
Desire emerges after pleasurable stimulation and connection begin.
Sex Educator and Author, Emily Nagoski, discusses spontaneous versus responsive desire to help couples understand mismatched sex drives in her article: The Science of Saving Your Sex LIfe
This is why waiting until two exhausted adults spontaneously become horny at precisely the same moment can be a terrible strategy.
If you’ve been wondering where your libido went, read my If Your Libido Feels Off, Read This. And if the sex you’re having isn’t particularly appealing in the first place, start with When Sex Is Boring or Unsatisfying.
Because scheduling bad sex is a whole other issue.
How to Schedule Sex Without Making It Feel Like a Dental Appointment
Here are a few rules.
1. Don’t schedule the sex act. Schedule the time.
Try: “Saturday morning is ours.” …Sexy
Not Sexy: “Saturday, 9:00 AM: penetration.”
2. Build anticipation.
Planning gives you something spontaneous sex doesn’t: foreplay that can last all day.
Send a flirty text. Mention something you’d like to do. Kiss your partner in the kitchen and whisper, “Later.”
Anticipation is erotic.
3. Don’t wait until bedtime.
If you routinely schedule sex for 10:30 PM after you’ve spent 14 hours working, parenting and doing life, don’t act surprised when one of you chooses unconsciousness.
Try mornings. Afternoons. Weekends.
There’s no rule that grown-ups can only fuck after dark.
4. Talk about what actually makes sex worth having.
Couples who struggle to talk about sex often struggle with sexual satisfaction, too. The Gottman Institute has some helpful resources on talking about sex and intimacy.
Ask each other: “What would make our intimate time something you’d actually look forward to?”
Now that’s a useful conversation.
And if your sex life seems mysteriously better the second you leave town, I’ve already called you out in Why Sex Improves on Vacation — and How to Recreate It at Home. The vacation isn’t magical. You changed the conditions.
Put Some Pleasure on the Damn Calendar
Scheduling sex doesn’t mean your relationship has lost its spark.
It means you’re acknowledging a basic truth:
Things that matter need space in our lives.
The Gottman Institute similarly notes that couples with satisfying sex lives tend to make intimacy a priority rather than leaving it at the bottom of an endless to-do list. The Gottman Institute
So stop waiting for the perfect moment.
Create one.
Put aside an hour. Lock the bedroom door. Put the phones away. Give yourselves permission to explore without requiring sex—or an orgasm—to happen.
And maybe change the calendar entry from “SEX” to something a little more enticing.
Personally, I’m partial to:
“Horizontal Happy Hour or Adult Recess.” 😏
Because scheduling sex isn’t unsexy.
Never making time for your sex life?
That’s just silly.
Now, go have sex!