A surprising number of clients come to me questioning whether or not they are asexual. In most cases it’s not asexuality. It’s low desire or a partner who isn’t happy with the desire discrepancy between them. So you think you’re asexual?
The asexual self diagnoser is often doing a lot of shoulding on themselves… “I should crave boring, unsatisfying sex.” “I should want to have sex with someone who I feel totally disconnected from.” “I should have a sex drive even though I am exhausted from work, kids, etc.” Expecting to have desire in unrealistic circumstances, can often lead to distorted thinking.
In most cases, women (and sometimes men) self diagnose with asexuality because they’re confused and distressed by their loss of sexual desire, and don’t know where to begin to reignite sexual desire, so they go to the all knowing…Dr. Google for answers. I’m not saying that there isn’t such a thing as asexual.
In most cases, I think sex therapy clients are just looking for an answer. No doubt this sounds fucking crazy to think a person would want this to be the answer but sometimes having an answer, whether you like it or not, is better than no answer.
Soooo, how about you start acting like you have sexual desire and see what happens? If you aren’t acting like you’re sexy or horny then it would make sense that you have no desire. Ask yourself, when you had sexual desire in the past, “How were you acting? What were you up to? What were you thinking?” If you don’t know where to begin, check out my blog on Your Biggest Sex Organ.
If you’ve never had sexual desire, I can imagine this might be quite difficult and in that case it might be better to start educating yourself because you may be asexual. But if you’ve had sexual desire in the past and your loss in sexual desire is new, it’s less likely that you’ve all the sudden figured out you’re asexual or recently become asexual.
And if these suggestions don’t work, it will probably give you a lot of relief to schedule an appointment with a Licensed Sex Therapist for accurate information, solutions, and a some potential relief. You can find one in your area at www.aasect.org.
Now go have sex!