It’s time to dispel these myths that sex ends at menopause. I’m providing you with some tips and tools for navigating sex and intimacy through the stages of menopause. According to the research, sex is best @50 (Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Kleinplatz & Ménard)
If you are near or post menopause and thinking… I’m done with sex! I’d be fine if I never had sex ever again. You certainly wouldn’t be the first person to tell me that. Many people (let’s be honest – women) that come into my office, say they have no desire to ever have sex again. They’re almost always in a long term relationship. Hmmm. What does that tell you? I’ll get into that in a minute.
The idea that our sexlives are over at menopause is ludacris and frankly… a MYTH!
I know it’s hard to believe because many of us have been brainwashed. By Hollywood, cultural and social misinformation, patriarchy, or who knows – that menopause and aging are just … well…Unsexy. And I want to set the record straight!
Why have sex?
There’s actually a lot of really great reasons to have sex. If I told you that you could Improve your sleep. Relieve some pain… temporarily. Reduce Stress and Anxiety. Enhance your mood and your mental well-being. Boost your self-esteem and confidence. Strengthen your intimate relationship. Would you want to know how?
I bet if it was offered in a supplement or pill – you’d consider it.
Yeah, well, sex does all these things. … When it’s good of course.
Understanding Changes related to Sex & Intimacy
Understanding the changes related to sex & intimacy is important in order to address the hormonal shifts that occur in perimenopause, menopause, and post menopause. Hormonal shifts contribute to a loss in sexual desire for a number of reasons but much of it you might be surprised by.
The changes we experience throughout the stages of menopause that affect sex and intimacy aren’t just physical, they are psychological, and relational as well.
Any undesirable things that affect our mood and well being will influence our libido. Our loss of energy due to loss of sleep, mood surrounding all of these “normal” symptoms of menopause; relationship challenges due to our partners lack of empathy or understanding, and so on indirectly affect our libido. More directly there’s vaginal health, delayed, muted or even the loss of orgasms as well as pain associated with sex. Who would desire sex that’s painful or that you feel might be contributing to UTIs?
Then socially we get these messages from Hollywood, patriarchy, and culture, that aging and sex aren’t sexy. That we are all dried up physically and metaphorically and that has become normalized. Bullshit! Many women start perimopause in their early 40’s and then menopause hits typically around 51. I have clients who are prioritizing their sex lives in their late 70s. We are living much longer – into our 90s… Shutting off sex when we are barely past our half life point just doesn’t make sense.
Reclaiming Intimacy: 3 Part Approach
How do we reclaim intimacy? Well, it’s a three-part approach. There’s the biological psychological and the social. In order for you to benefit from addressing the psychological & social aspects of sexual wellness, the biological – your overall body wellness needs to be taken care of.
In order for us to navigate menopause and sex, that is desire sex and to lean into sex, we need to be functioning above a survival rate. Addressing the biological is foundational to sexual desire, arousal, and satisfaction.
So, once the biological is being addressed, then you can more realistically have the emotional, physical, mental well-being, and motivation to start to work on the mindset shifts that might be needed.
Finding a doctor well informed about hormones and menopause is key. Most doctors aren’t trained in this area, so doing your research will be important. I often provide my clients with referrals for medical doctors that aren’t going to dismiss their desire to address menopausal symptoms with hormone replacement therapy.
Navigating sex in the stages of menopause requires a Mindshift: away from sex negative narratives.
Whatever you focus on gets bigger. So, if you’re thinking sexy thoughts, then you’re much more likely to have desire, and you’re much more likely to be able to get aroused when you’re being sexual with yourself or a partner. And if you’re thinking unsexy thoughts, then it makes sense that you would lack sexual desire or struggle with arousal during sex.
Your brain is your biggest sex organ.
Navigating sex and menopause is often a lot of shifting your focus away from negative narratives and reframing them into more positive narratives. If you struggle with this a Sex Therapist can help. With my clients, I use cognitive behavioral therapy, a lot of normalizing, and a lot of education about how we shut down our sexuality all day long. I help them to shift into igniting desires by changing thoughts and behaviors.
Navigating towards Sex worth wanting
If the sex you’ve been having hasn’t been worth wanting, then it makes sense you wouldn’t desire it. You wouldn’t go to a restaurant that didn’t have consistently tasty food right? So in that case, that’s a different issue – read my blog for greater sexual satisfaction.
Sex worth wanting requires shifting our focus from performance to pleasure and connection
In order for most of us to be motivated to make the mindshifts and for those mindshifts to make a difference, you need your partner to be on board with also shifting the focus away from a performance (penetration & orgasm) to pleasure and connection. Sex is about pleasure and connection, but when we make it about orgasm or penetration then it’s often hard to be motivated to lean into sex and intimacy. Especially if the sex hasn’t been worth wanting in a while due to physical discomfort or lack of or muted orgasms.
CUMmunication is Key!
So, this is where CUMmunication is essential. While we are figuring out our new bodies we need to have open, non-judgmental conversations with ourselves and our partners about making sex worth wanting.
In order to do that we need to talk to them about the changes that are happening in our body and how that’s impacting our desire and our arousal. And we need to talk with our partners about how we want to approach that so that we can both be mutually satisfied in our physical touch.
Here’s a tip … start conversations outside of the bedroom and approach your partner when they’re in a place of emotional availability.
If you don’t think that’s possible in your relationship then that’s where sex therapy will be helpful. I often guide my couples through these types of dialogue. Most of us were never taught how to communicate effectively, let alone communicate effectively on the topic of sex or what we want related to sex.
Having a great sex life is possible. Quit avoiding it. Think about what you want, have some conversations about what you would like to be different, and see what happens. You aren’t getting any younger.
…Now Go Have Sex!!!