Every January, people swear they’re going to have better sex. More sex. Hotter sex. Sex that magically fixes everything.
And then… life happens. Stress creeps in. Other things get prioritized. Sex becomes another thing on the to-do list—or it drops off altogether.
If you want 2026 to be different, here’s the truth I see all the time in sex therapy:
Most people aren’t failing at sex because they’re broken. They’re sabotaging it—without realizing it.
Here are five unsexy behaviors that sabotage your sex life (and how to shift them in a way that’s realistic, sex-positive, and actually sustainable).
1) Not Prioritizing Sex
If sex is the last thing on your to-do list then it’s probably not being prioritized in a way that makes it as delicious and satisfying as it can be. You might say scheduling sex is so unsexy. I know, but hear me out. If the end goal is sex and it feels like pressure then you’re no doubt going to intentionally or untentionally avoid it. I’m not necessarily saying to schedule sex. Instead of prioritizing sex, prioritize the conditions that make sex feel possible:
- emotional availability – time and presence
- playfulness and new experiences
- relaxation and connection
2026 reframe #1: “Prioritize what makes sex feel easy and wanted.”
If performance anxiety is part of what’s happening ( erections, orgasm, “doing it right,” etc.), these Talk Sex With Liz Blogs might help: The Erection Obsession: Why Performance Anxiety Kills Pleasure or Orgasm: Just the Period at the end of the sentence?
2) Making Quickies Your Go To
Quickies can be hot. Quickies can be fun. Quickies can also become the default when you’re busy— and then sex starts feeling rushed, goal-focused, and a little… transactional. And then you’re wondering why you aren’t craving it anymore.
If quickies are the only kind of sex you’re having, no wonder you’re struggling. That kind of sex just isn’t worth wanting. Unfortunately, you may be unintentionally reinforcing:
- rushing instead of savoring
- performance instead of pleasure
- “let’s get this done” instead of “let’s connect”
Try balancing quickies with “slow intimacy” that has no required outcome. Think: extended kissing, massage, showering together, naked cuddling, or touch that isn’t trying to “go somewhere.” Dry humping isn’t just for teenagers!
2026 reframe #2: Treat quickies like fast food – with moderation.
If you or your partner feel bored and don’t know where to begin when you think of slowing sex down, read these: Sex Tips!
3) Being Passive During Sex
Another common sex-life killer is being physically present but mentally checked out. This can look like:
- letting sex “happen to you”
- monitoring your partner instead of feeling your own body
- thinking about your to-do list mid-thrust (no judgment)
- waiting for it to be over
Great sex isn’t about impressive technique but it is about engagement. Think about it, when you are passive in anything it can feel less impactful, less enjoyable, or less desireable.
Try this during sex:
- be sure to move your body – your hips, your hands, etc.
- take a breath and notice: “what feels good right now?”
- guide with a hand, a sound, a word
- make a request or two or just state what feels good in that moment (so your partner isn’t guessing)
2026 reframe #3: Get active during sex. Grind, touch, breath in sexy ways to increase your pleasure.
The quality of the sex your having is impacted by the amount of effort and presence you having during the experience. So get active, move your body, use your mouth…. to ask for what you want or of course to TAKE what you want.
4) Saying “No” Too Quickly When Your Partner Initiates
Many people think they’re rejecting sex when they say no—but what they’re often rejecting is:
- pressure
- timing
- fear it will escalate into something they don’t want
- exhaustion or resentment that has nothing to do with attraction
If you feel like your partner doesn’t respond well to you when you need more time or want sexual touch that doesn’t result in penetration, it would make sense that you are reacting with repeated reflexive “no’s.” If this is the case, more emotional safety and some good sex therapy or couples counseling might be what’s needed. If you can have an open conversation with your partner on how to mix it up, try this: instead of a fast shutdown, try inserting a pause and offering an option that keeps the door open without forcing yourself.
Try these scripts that provide more flexibility:
- “I’m not up for intercourse, but I’m open to cuddling and kissing.”
- “I’m not feeling so much in the mood but I’m open to seeing if I can get there.”
- “Not tonight—can we plan for tomorrow and keep it light?”
- “I want closeness more than sex right now. Are you open to that?”
2026 reframe #4: replace “no” with “let’s see what happens”.
5) Waiting for Spontaneous Desire
This is the biggest sabotage pattern I see with my sex therapy clients. Women in particular keep waiting for spontaneous desire to show up and for busy women in long term relationships this can be waiting for the stars and moon to align. Many adults wait to feel spontaneously horny before engaging… and then conclude that they must not have desire anymore.
But here’s the truth: desire isn’t a magical thing, it’s created by our thoughts and behaviors. For many people, desire is responsive, not spontaneous.
That means desire often arrives after you start:
- relaxing
- connecting emotionally
- kissing, touching, warming up
- feeling chosen (not pressured)
If you want a deeper dive into desire and how to fuel it within you AND why you’re not broken, read: Come As You Are
2026 reframe #5: “Don’t wait for desire. Fuel it.”
Your 2026 Sex Resolution (That Won’t Die by February)
Instead of “more sex,” try this:
In 2026, stop working against your sex life—and start working with it.
That can mean:
- less pressure, more permission
- less rushing, more savoring
- less checking out, more presence
- less reflexive “no,” more “let’s see what happens”
- less waiting, more cultivating
If you’re noticing that sex brings up anxiety, shutdown, resentment, mismatched desire, or repeated conflict, you don’t have to DIY your way out of it. This is exactly what sex therapy supports—without shame, without blame, and without forcing anything.
Want help? Start by exploring more resources on my blog, including:
More Helpful Resources (External)
- The Gottman Institute Blog (research-based relationship tools)
- AASECT (find credentialed sex therapists + education)
Now go have sex!