Let’s talk about how internalized homophobia can affect sex and intimacy in queer relationships. AKA the party crasher of intimacy, the ghost in the bed, the uninvited voice whispering, “You don’t really belong here, do you?”
Even when we’re out, proud, and well-versed in the gay agenda, internalized homophobia can still linger. And spoiler alert: it’s not great for your sex life, intimacy or relationships.
What Is Internalized Homophobia, Really?
Internalized homophobia is when a person consciously or unconsciously absorbs negative societal beliefs about being LGBTQ+ and turns them inward. Think of it as drinking the heteronormative Kool-Aid—except it doesn’t quench your thirst, it just makes you question your own worth.
According to the American Psychological Association, internalized homophobia is linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and poor relationship satisfaction (APA, 2011). So if you’re wondering why you feel disconnected from your partner—or from pleasure—it might not just be about mismatched libidos, a misplaced strap-on, or who forgot to buy lube. It could be something deeper (no pun intended).
Sex, Shame, and Mixed Signals
One of the sneakiest ways internalized homophobia shows up is through shame about sex and desire. You may logically know there’s nothing wrong with who you love or are attracted to, but that doesn’t stop a lingering discomfort when things get steamy.
That discomfort might look like:
- Feeling “dirty” or guilty after sex.
- Struggling to be emotionally present during intimacy.
- Avoiding eye contact, affection, or aftercare.
- Fantasizing freely, but freezing up in real life.
- Believing you don’t “deserve” a healthy relationship.
Or, as one client once put it:
“I want to want sex with my partner, but every time we get close, it’s like some invisible force field blocks me.” (Hint: It wasn’t the Force. It was homophobic programming from a youth group leader named Richard.)
How It Can Affect Couples
When one partner is struggling with internalized homophobia, intimacy often suffers on several levels:
- Emotional intimacy can feel unsafe or overwhelming.
- Sexual intimacy might become mechanical, avoidant, or even self-sabotaged.
- Communication often breaks down because it’s hard to name what’s going on.
- Partners may feel confused or rejected, especially when the person struggling can’t quite articulate why their walls are up.
- Sometimes, couples develop entire avoidance rituals to keep intimacy at bay—think excessive busyness, fights over nothing, or hyper-focusing on a partner’s shortcomings (“Did you Venmo for the dog walker?” = code for “Please don’t touch me”).
Breaking the Cycle
So how do we strip down the shame and invite intimacy back into bed (and beyond)?
1. Name it: Start by recognizing internalized homophobia for what it is: a byproduct of external systems, not a personal flaw. You didn’t choose to absorb these messages, but you can choose to challenge them.
2. Seek LGBTQ+ Affirming Therapy: Working with a therapist who understands the nuances of queer identity, culture, and relational dynamics can be transformational. Therapists trained in sex therapy and identify as gay affirming can help unpack these complex layers. Search for one in your area here: American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists
3. Reclaim Sex as Connection: Sometimes, the healing begins not with performance or pleasure goals, but with simple acts of non-sexual touch and honest conversations. Think hand-holding, cuddling, and sharing what makes you feel seen—not just sexy.
Ask: “What makes you feel safe and desired?” Or “What makes you freeze or shut down?”
4. Get Curious, Not Critical: If your partner is working through internalized homophobia, approach them with empathy rather than frustration. Remember, this isn’t about you not being enough—it’s about them still working through layers of pain and programming.
Ask: “What did you learn about love and intimacy growing up?” or “What was coming out like for you?”
Offer: “You don’t have to have it all figured out—I just want to understand.”
5. Consume the Good Stuff: Just like junk food fuels inflammation, junk culture (purity sermons and toxic memes) fuels shame. Instead, nourish yourself with queer-positive books, podcasts, and media.
Resources:
Books: The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs & Coming Out Of Shame Transforming Gay And Lesbian Lives by Gershan Kaufman
Podcasts: Queer Sex Ed Podcast & Queer Collective Podcast
Final Thoughts from the Couch (and Occasionally the Sheets)
Internalized homophobia is like bad WiFi—it shows up uninvited, ruins your connection, and leaves you screaming into the void. But with some intentional effort, you can reboot/heal your system.
Intimacy, at its core, is about letting someone truly see you. And you deserve to be seen in your whole, radiant, complex, queer self.
Whether you’re navigating this solo or in partnership, remember: healing isn’t linear, and you’re not alone. For additional resources, visit the American Psychological Association. And if you need a guide? That’s what sex and relationship therapists like me are here for.
Now go love yourself. And maybe even someone else too. 💕