Initially this blog was titled “5 Reasons MEN Aren’t Having Sex” because it’s about why females often decline their partner’s sexual desires/advances/requests. Men often have greater sexual desire (duh) than women in long-term relationships. In most cases what I see is men in heterosexual relationships frustrated and confused that their female partners have less sexual desire. It’s usually men who are making these mistakes or displaying these behaviors and it results in exactly that, men not having sex. But I changed the title to be inclusive of all my readers just in case you women are making these mistakes with your partners too. So, 5 Reasons You Aren’t Having Sex…these reasons are most common when you have a female partner.
1 – Leaving the bulk of family or home responsibilities to your female partner. Men often don’t realize or accept that most women need to remove themselves from the role of “mother or responsible one” in order to feel sexy. Women who are left to handle most of the responsibilities around the house, rarely have the time or energy to tap into their bodies or the erotic energy needed to create the desire to have sex. When a partner isn’t sharing in house responsibilities equally or isn’t showing up to support their partners through acts of service, then she’s often too tired, stressed, or resentful to lean into the indulgent part of herself that is needed to open up sexually.
2 – Not dating her or creating opportunities for her to feel sexy. Of course feeling sexy isn’t the sole responsibility of our partners, but they can certainly help and in a lot of the cases where one partner has lower desire than the other, it certainly can’t hurt. How often are you setting up sexy dates? I often see partners who have the higher sexual desire wanting their partners to initiate sex or be more responsive to their sexual requests or desires but they aren’t doing much to help their partners feel sexy. Actually, they are often doing a lot of things that make their partner’s feel unsexy towards them in particular.
I recently did a podcast with an old friend about why women lose desire for sex in long term relationships and I was really surprised at how he, like so many other men I talk to, hadn’t realized the importance of creating opportunities for her to feel sexy.
It’s kinda simple. Ask yourself, how were you showing up with your partner when she was expressing desire to have sex with you? Were you romancing her? Dating her? Taking time to connect and get to know her? So many of the long-term relationships I see in my sex therapy practice lack romance and connection. It often seems that once people start living together they get comfortable and no longer make the effort to romance each other like they did when they were dating. Dates start to look like going out to a restaurant and watching each other eat. Uggh. That’s just not sexy.
And don’t get me wrong, I am not putting the burden of the sexual desire of the relationship onto one partner, it goes both ways. That is, women often stop putting energy towards igniting sexual desire in themselves once they are in a long-term relationship and then they wonder where their desire has gone. Patiently waiting for spontaneous desire to kick in. Women need to make an effort to fuel their own desire if they want to have a satisfying sex life. Check out my blog on Fueling Your Sex Drive.
3 – Only expressing desire for your partner when you want sex.
If you only give your partner affection or let your partner know that you are attracted to or love her when you desire sex with her, she starts to think that you just want IT, not her. Then sex becomes more about what YOU want than what SHE wants. Then it starts to be about something she SHOULD do, rather than something she GETS to do. And she starts to feel objectified… in a bad way. I think most women are ok with you objectifying them to some extent – and many actually want that – as long as it’s matched with respect, love, etc.
4 – Rushing through foreplay.
You know that saying “Men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots”…? Need I say more? Ok… I will. When a woman’s genitals are touched before she is ready, that’s a big turnoff and it makes sex that much less desireable. So slow it down and take more time to get her revved up.
5 – Complaining or having a tantrum when she declines sex.
I get it. It’s disappointing when you are feeling horny and want to connect with your partner sexually. But acting like a disappointed child when she isn’t in the mood is certainly not the solution. Would you want to have sex with someone who is pouting? That’s just not sexy. Instead… refer to #2 above. :-)))
If you aren’t doing any of these problematic things and she seems happy and you still aren’t having sex, it’s time to get curious with her about why and it probably wouldn’t hurt to see a sex therapist. You can find one here.
Now go have sex!