If you and your partner, lover, girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, etc. aren’t on the same page regarding sex or physical intimacy and you’re wondering what to do, keep reading. This is one of the most common questions I get in my office as a Sex and Relationship Therapist and while there’s no secret recipe, the answer is somewhat simple.
But before I get to the answer, most importantly, when it comes to motivating a partner to have sex with you, fighting about sex never works, and I mean NEVER! You may think it works in the short term because they had sex with you to get you to stop complaining, whining, having a tantrum, etc., but that definitely isn’t sustainable.
Having sex with someone who is just going through the motions to avoid a fight ULTIMATELY HURTS YOU because feeling desired by your partner is a huge part of what makes sex with a partner satisfying.
And if your partner has resorted to having sex with you to avoid a fight, then they’re having obligatory sex and that’s just not good for anyone – AND, it’s not desirable.
Ultimately, our sexual partners end up even more turned off sexually when we fight about sex, and in the long term, nobody wants to have sex with someone who is acting childish – yuck. You may not realize it, but trying to get someone to have sex with you through fighting or punishment is a form of manipulation, basically sexual coercion.
You lose when you fight about sex because your partner see’s you in an unsexy way and the fight you had is now the focus of their thoughts – NOT sexy thoughts.
If you don’t feel connected when you are having sex the pleasure usually isn’t good enough to sustain a sex life in the long term. For sex to be sustainable in a long term relationship you need to feel more than pleasure, you need to feel connection, and in order for it to be good or great, you need to feel desired. Read more about the importance of enthusiasm and feeling desired in my past blog: The Key Ingredients of Great Sex.
I get it, you may be feeling rejected, hurt, unimportant – like what matters to you is not being taken into consideration in the relationship, and sex may matter to you a lot.
Sex may be your love language, the way you communicate and express love to your partner, and if they continue to shut you down when you initiate sex, you don’t know how else to connect or feel close to them. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and you have higher sexual desire than your partner or their love language isn’t sex, then you might be feeling especially desperate for physical connection.
Maybe you feel like fighting is the only way to get your partner to listen because you’ve tried other things and it seems like nothing else works.
Maybe you’ve tried initiating in different ways, you’ve been on your “best behavior”, you’re playing nice, you’ve done all your “chores” and it just feels like nothing you’ve done gets them motivated to have sex.
Here’s a crazy question – have you asked your partner what makes THEM desire sex with you and how you could help with that?
If your answer to this question is no and you aren’t a mind reader, then it’s time for some curious and compassionate CUMmunication with your partner about sex! This should happen when you and your partner are feeling open NOT defensive and in a comfortable environment NOT the bedroom.
When CUMmunicating about sex, keep in mind, this probably isn’t all about you, and your partner may need to shift some of their behaviors to ignite sexual desire. I suggest you slow down, get curious, compassionate, and join with your partner to become part of the sexy solution. Until you do that, you are an added complication to their struggles in igniting their sexual desires and ultimately a big demotivator.
A partner’s lack of sexual desire isn’t solely your problem, but if you have begun fighting about sex, then you are now definitely part of the problem.
Before you try to initiate sex again, try this:
1- Repair and acknowledge that you haven’t been taking the best approach to expressing your desire for more physical intimacy with them.
2- Be compassionate and empathetic when approaching them about the topic, otherwise, you are likely to show up defensively and won’t get the information you are seeking in the conversation.
3- Be curious about what it is that stops them from being more responsive to you sexually and what you could be doing differently to be part of the solution.
4-If they ask you to show up in a different way, seek as much information about that as possible to ensure you know how to proceed and do it. Listening without following through can sometimes make things worse.
If you are still struggling or don’t know how to do your partner is asking, it might be time to seek out a Sex Therapist. You can find a Certified Sex Therapist in your area by searching here.
Now – go have sex!