If you were too busy or caught up in adulting to get dressed up and playful this Halloween and this has become a pattern for you this could be affecting your ability to have a satisfying sex life.
Are you wondering what the heck does Halloween have to do with good and satisfying sex? Good, I’ve got you hooked… read on because this isn’t about Halloween, it’s about using playfulness to have good sex.
Playfulness helps us to maintain sexual satisfaction especially in long term relationships because it allows us to explore novelty with less fear of making mistakes or feeling embarrassed.
Good sex isn’t always erotic or serious. And if that is the standard it can often lead us down a road of perfectionism and predictability; and that’s just not sexy. You can read more about this on my past blog: The key ingredients of great sex
Many couples I see struggling with a stale sex life are lacking playfulness. Playfulness in sex can take off the pressure to perform or to be perfect and give ourselves permission to make mistakes and create space for risk and novelty. If we feel like there is no room to make mistakes when it comes to sex, then we are more likely to behave safely – have vanilla sex – to do sex the way we’ve always done it. Which is reliable but can quickly get boring. I don’t think I’ve ever had a client come into my office with a goal of having a more predictable sex life.
If we allow for more playfulness in our sex lives, we allow for curiosity, fun, and variety. This might be uncomfortable for those of you who are still following the Bullshit Hollywood ideal of what sex looks like. So hear me now… good sex is messy, silly, awkward, intimate, and requires CUMmunication, asking for what we want, being open to trying new things, and being with a partner with whom we feel open and safe enough to PLAY! Give yourself permission to play, risk, and just get curious sexually without any expectations. You might be surprised at how much more connection and enjoyment you experience.
So where do you start if your sex life has gotten predictable and you would like to mix it up? Here are some ideas…
Infusing variety or novelty into your sex life is a great & easy way to mix things up. As long as you allow for mistakes & limit expectations.
Try this activity below. Be sure to share this blog with your partner first so that you are both on the same page.
1 – Start with no expectations for performance, a no pressure environment & be OPEN, Playful, and have FUN!
2– Find 3 items/activities/behaviors to play with in your next encounter in each of these categories: Playful – Sensual – Kinky. Don’t know where to start? Check out your kitchen & clothing closet (feathers, scarfs, spoons, spatulas, food, oils, dancing, role play, etc).
3-Set up the space, allow 1 hour, but don’t get naked too quickly.
4-Take turns being the giver/receiver of touch for 15 mins using the items that interest you (just ignore those that don’t – this is supposed to be fun!)
If this all feels like too much and you feel like you need professional help, you can search for a Certified Sex Therapist here: http://www.aasect.org
But don’t be surprised if it feels a little awkward. All new things can feel this way especially if you are having expectations of yourself, have been adulting for a long time, or can’t remember the last time you were playful. Give yourself a break and try to laugh at yourself.
Now… go have SEX!