It Makes Sense to Not Desire Bad Sex

It makes good sense to not desire bad sex.

If I were a rapper, that would be a mic drop moment. Enuf said! But I’m not a rapper, I’m a Sex Therapist, way more interesting, right?! (wink). So I’ll keep educating you about why it makes sense to not desire bad sex. But if you want to get straight to solving your bad sex problems, check out my blog on sexy tips and tricks.

When the sex you are having isn’t worth wanting… bad sex that is, desire isn’t the problem, bad sex is the problem.

Consider this, do you desire food that tastes bad? I doubt it. Food is a perfect metaphor to use when discussing bad sex. I was listening to a podcast yesterday and the author described this problem perfectly. And it reminded me that I needed to get the word out. Basically, she said, you wouldn’t judge yourself or someone else who didn’t desire food that didn’t taste good, right? NO! It wouldn’t make sense to you if a person craved bad food. So why do you think differently when it comes to bad sex?

… sex is riddled with shame and misinformation.

People don’t wonder why they don’t desire shitty food because they are less likely to have shame associated with the foods they desire. And food isn’t a mystery like sex. One difference with sex, is that in our culture, we are often socialized to feel bad for not feeling horny, having spontaneous desire, or desire that equals our partners. The question of whether or not the sex is desirable is often a second thought. The discussion often surrounds what is WRONG with the person who lacks sexual desire.

Societal messages tell us we should know everything about sex but at the same time – we shouldn’t talk openly about sex.

I think we can all agree that most people are pretty open about what they like or don’t like when it comes to food. It’s no big deal to say what we like on our pizza but less so when it comes to what they like sexually. People often struggle to talk openly about sex in the ways we do when it comes to food because there’s a lot we don’t know about sex. Because we lack accurate information about sex, we avoid talking about it with partners because we don’t want to look foolish.

It’s all about the feels.

We don’t want to feel bad. We don’t want to make our sexual partners feel bad. We don’t want to feel foolish so we don’t ask the questions or share our confusion. Sex comes with a lot of shame and confusion for most people. And when people feel shame or confusion they often struggle with words. Without communication, we just keep getting the bad sex we’ve always got. With all that confusion and shame, we are often left to assume that we are the problem.

It’s also about relationship dynamics.

Whether it’s bad sex or food, how a person reacts to our feedback, questions, or vulnerability is a big factor. Food from a stranger doesn’t have the same feelings associated with food from an intimate partner. For example, if the person cooking the pizza was really excited about how they made it, then we might worry about hurting their feelings. As a result, we might feel it would be too hurtful to share if we thought it tasted bad. Or if the person didn’t ask us any questions about what we like on our pizza, we might feel like it’s too late to tell them we don’t like pepperoni once it’s already being made. We might even feel obligated to eat it with a smile. And some of us might even fake how much we enjoyed it. You getting the idea?

People often struggle to communicate in curious, considerate, and compassionate ways.

Which makes sharing and exploring that much more difficult. Take for example the pizza again. If the person cooking the pizza is curious and considerate, they would ask you what you like on your pizza before they start cooking. They’d ask if you have any allergies. And they wouldn’t assume you always want the same thing on your pizza. They would be curious that you might want something different. Maybe you are sick of pepperoni and would prefer veggies this time around.

Sex in general is a taboo topic and the less it gets talked about the more the shame.

So give yourself a break. Most people never learned how to talk about sex. Let alone bad sex. So when sex is bad most people are confused about how to navigate it. And when we are in our shame it’s hard to be curious, considerate, or compassionate. When we are so stuck in our own shit we are just focused on regulating our own discomfort.

So if you’ve made a fucking pizza without asking any questions, now you know. Like they say, when you know better, you do better.

Sex is a sensitive topic. When we feel vulnerable we can react defensively, avoidantly, or freeze in such a way that we can’t even hear the feedback we’ve been given.How did you react the last time someone gave you feedback that wasn’t 100% positive? The last time you gave someone feedback, how did you approach them? Did you show up with curiosity and compassion?

One of the things I love about sex therapy is that a lot of the solutions to sexual problems or low sexual desire are common sense. If we used our relationships with food to better understand how to overcome bad sex or sexual problems, sex therapists might be out of a job. Fortunately for me and unfortunately for you … sex is typically more complicated than food.

So, good luck, and…